Ups and Downs

Life for us has been filled with ups and downs lately.

Since my shortcake post, we soon discovered the greatest of ups... pregnancy! We were in bless-ed shock as we checked, double-checked and triple-checked the third (and only positive) pregnancy test. A half hour later, around 9:30pm, we found ourselves at the local clinic to confirm with a blood test. Sure enough, I was pregnant and the projected due date was April 1st 2009! We left the clinic with joy, as we walked around the building in gentle surprise. We were excited to start our family and continue with our next rite of passage.

A few days later we traveled to visit some of my family in Charlotte, NC, reveling in family visits, cute nieces and new nephew, yummy meals, MarioKart and relaxation.

We spent the weekend in Beaufort, NC with my sister and her daughter. We played in the waves, saw fireworks, visited a potential graduate school (ECU) and practiced our "arrr!" at the Beaufort Pyrate Invasion (I haven't even mentioned that Daniel is writing a pyrate novel, have I?). What a lovely holiday! It was the first time this summer when Daniel and I both had off. It was so nice to just be together. It reminded us of the "no-jobs" summer we spoiled ourselves with last year... although we had little money then, the lazy days spent together were priceless.

After a great vacation, it was back to Baltimore, Daniel back to work and one week for me before it was time to return to teaching. I was apprehensive and excited to start the year pregnant. My classroom was changed to a room with a private bathroom... meant to be used for my students with toileting needs but I was so thankful to have access to it! So far, though, the sickness was manageable. Daniel took incredible care of me... getting me ginger for the nausea, massages for the headache, clean sheets for my naps. Daniel has always been an attentive, kind husband but his excitement shined as he made sure I was comfortable.

Soon I was back to work for a week and preparing for the student's return. I work with students with mild to severe disabilities, ranging from autism, mental retardation, cerebral palsy and severe learning disabilities. Being the new team leader, I was excited to meet the new teachers to our program and begin the year. These teachers offer great enthusiasm and dedication to our students.

Before I knew it, it was time for my 10 week appointment. In the examining room, Daniel and I anxiously waited for the doctor to arrive. We were to hear our peanut's heartbeat. The doppler's batteries died so she charged up the sonogram machine. Daniel had to leave as he was late for a teaching appointment. The doctor had difficulty finding the heartbeat but concluded it was because of her lack of ability to read the scan. She tried to put me at ease, whilst blaming her technical skills. She requested blood work and another ultrasound with a technician the next day. I drove home worried. I tried to be hopeful, but I saw her eyes. Her expression as she searched the screen for a sign of life. Daniel soon came home and we tried our best to be hopeful. I was grateful we only had to wait one day until the next scan. I went to work the next morning to keep my mind off of things. We met at home and drove together to the doctor's office, quietly hoping, loudly praying along the drive.

I had the next ultrasound alone with the technician. As Daniel thought I had just gone to the bathroom, he was surprised to see my face as I came back into the waiting room. As the technician gave me no news, no view of the screen, I knew I had lost the baby. We sat, Daniel needing to hope, me choking back tears. We were finally called back by the nurse with the kind, caring eyes. Soon the doctor came in, with a long expression. "Your blood levels are low." I was numb. She continued, me only half listening, half understanding. I saw the progesterone numbers... weeks ago they were in the 13000's, now just 7500, by now they should be in 20000’s. "I wish it was my technical skills that were to blame but this is no longer a viable pregnancy." We stopped tears as I asked about my options, etc... My cervix was completely closed and it may be several weeks to months before I would miscarry on my own. Upon returning home, we would call to schedule the D&C for two days later.

We went home in downer shock... not the same "up" shock we felt upon discovering I was pregnant. This was the gut-wrenching, knock-the-wind-out-of-you shock. The shock no one should feel. Until now, I had been blessed to never feel this kind of shock.

Upon opening the front door, our little home felt like the enemy... filled with memories of peanut... empty cans of ginger ale and crackers by the bed, pregnancy books on the coffee table, the bright red "L'il Pirate" onsie we bought in Beaufort. I wanted to throw it all out the window but cling to it at the same time.

I immediately wanted everyone to know. I didn't want people to still think I was pregnant. My mom notified my family, Daniel emailed his. Other than tears and sobs, I don't remember what we did that evening.

We coped. We survived. We managed.

We received many beautiful Gifts. We were supported by the prayers and positive energy from friends and family, supported by your love. Colleagues covered for us at work, God covered us with love at home. A leafy plant, tied with a beautiful yellow ribbon, arrived at the door. Meals were brought with love. Daniel and I depended on each other in a way we never have before. We drew closer to each other, gave each other space in other moments. We spoke in awe of those who have lost loved ones post-birth and their ability to cope, to survive after their loss.

Another Gift included an incredible medical staff for the D&C surgery on Friday. They were kind, gentle and compassionate. As my cervix really didn't want to let this baby go, I had some complications but soon my body relinquished control.

Before long we will be able to try again.

I am not alone. Countless women miscarry, countless couples mourn the loss of the baby they never knew, of the baby they loved the minute they discovered him. I find comfort in these sad numbers, knowing miscarriage is not the swing of the gavel on our future family. But I still get sad. We still find, in the middle of a video game or curry dinner, tears can fall. I still get choked up watching a mamma pushing a stroller.

Despite the downs, however, I am thankful for my life.

For my family. For my friends. For my husband.

I am hopeful.

I know that after a down, there is always an up.

After the storm, there is restoration.